


how can I resist, when it feels like this?

by riddlersgordon



Category: Gotham (TV)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Soulmates, First Kiss, Fluff, Fluffy Ending, Gotham Season 1, M/M, POV Jim Gordon, Soulmate-Identifying Marks, Tumblr Prompt
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-03-23
Updated: 2019-03-23
Packaged: 2019-11-28 23:57:04
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,289
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18215390
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/riddlersgordon/pseuds/riddlersgordon
Summary: Jim never mentioned Ed, because he figured whatever feelings he was harboring for the forensic examiner, they would go away, right?(They didn’t.)Soulmate AU, in which Jim has the name Edward on his wrist, but the forenseic examiner introduces himself as 'Ed', and Ed has the name James on his wrist, but the Detective introduces himself as 'Jim', and they take forever to realize they're meant to be.(Repost, same author, new AO3)





	how can I resist, when it feels like this?

**Author's Note:**

  * For [Anonymous](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Anonymous/gifts).



> Original Prompt on Tumblr was: Soulmate AU.
> 
> I hadn't seen season 1 in quite some time when I wrote this, so the timeline may not be perfect. But, I'm super excited to take on more requests for RiddlerGordon on my [Tumblr](https://www.tumblr.com/dashboard/blog/riddlersgordon)
> 
> \--
> 
> Note: this is a new AO3 when my pseud on the old one started malfunctioning. :)

In Gotham, the concept of _soulmates_ was widely ignored.

Apparently, it wasn’t the only thing that was widely ignored, as Jim soon came to find out. While he had been well aware of how corrupt the town was, he had not expected the GCPD itself to be _this_ corrupted.

Unlike many others, Jim had not given up on his work and moral compass, but much like everyone else in Gotham, he had given up on trying to find his soulmate long ago. Indeed, having been born with the name _Edward_ on his wrist had instantly made Jim’s father prompt to hide his wrist from the world, or else the other kids at school (or worse, the kids’ parents) would make Jim’s life very difficult.

Turned out his father had been right.  

After getting sucker punched enough times in middle school, Jim had decided to solely wear long sleeved in high school when he was transferred to a new school in another neighborhood. By then, Jim figured if this soulmate thing was meant to happen, it just would without anyone needing to read the name _Edward_ on his wrist.

And miraculously, it did happen.

Except, it wasn’t the right Edward. Jim had learned when he was far too deep that this Edward was far from his soulmate, and had tricked him by having a tattoo of the name _Jim_ inked on his wrist. Everything that had been _wrong_ with their relationship, all the abuse Edward had put him through – Jim had stupidly ignored because Edward was supposed to be his high school sweetheart, his _soulmate_.

Jim remembered how heartbroken he had been, having caught Edward getting his _soulmark_ retouched at a tattoo parlor, and had to conclude that his name never had been the one marked on Edward’s wrist. He later learned that the name on Edward’s wrist had previously been Robert, and he had covered that up, too. But, soulmarks tended to come back to the surface, hence why Edward had needed to go back regularly to cover up his soulmark with a tattoo.

In retrospect, Jim should have figured out that it was fake. His real was James, not Jim.

After that, Jim purposely never introduced himself as James, making sure everyone knew him as Jim, so that if someone else tried to fake a soulmark like Edward had done to him, he would know, and he wouldn’t fall into the same trap yet again.

Still, Jim had seldom interest in trying to find his so-called soulmate after everything that had happened. He feared he’d end up with someone like Edward once more, and he would try to make it work only because they were _supposed_ to be together, no matter how badly ‘Edward’ would treat him.

It was easier for Jim to avoid the entire situation by leaving for the military, where he could focus on something else, _anything else_ than the soulmate he knew he’d never find.

Fast-forward a decade later, Jim had settled down and even got engaged to someone who was definitely not his soulmate, but whom he very much loved. Barbara and he felt somehow more meant to be than anyone else Jim had been with before, even if Jim knew they technically weren’t.

But, Barbara had gone through a similar experience he had, which was why they had so easily bonded. She, too, had been forced to hide her soulmark, and later been played by someone else. And yes, being with Barbara was great, but there was always something that nagged at the back of his mind, telling him that something was missing.

(Even if he knew that something was Edward, he ignored it.)

* * *

“Hi, I’m Ed Nygma, the forensic examiner,” Ed introduced himself on Jim’s first day, a bright smile on his lips.

_Ed._

Jim politely smiled back, offering him a nod. “Detective Jim Gordon.” Jim did his best not to have any kind of reaction, or at the very least, hide it. So much for not caring about his soulmark. Then again, his name was _Ed_ , not Edward, wasn’t it?

Jim was okay.

(As he turned out, he wasn’t.)

* * *

 

“This can’t work if you don’t tell me what’s going on, Jim,” Barbara accused, “you’re hiding something from me. I can _feel_ it.”

And she was right. There was a long list of things Jim hid from Barbara, from Penguin to other cases, and more importantly, Ed Nygma.

Despite everyone in the precinct being annoyed with Ed’s quirks, especially the riddles, Jim didn’t mind them. More importantly, he found some of them endearing, even. Ed’s eagerness and enthusiasm was a breath of fresh air in the GCPD’s corrupted and morose attitude as a collective. Jim wasn’t the most enthusiastic person, sure, but he at least came in wanting to get his job done, unless so many others he could think of.

Ed was a good guy, one of the few ones left in the GCPD, and probably in Gotham altogether. It certainly didn’t help the growing affections Jim held for the forensic examiner, ones he tried to keep at bay. Jim tried very hard to ignore how _warm_ he felt when Ed was smiling so eagerly, when he followed him around, or when he came to him with a new piece of evidence with so much…fascination to the case.

Jim caught himself gazing at Ed for too long more than once, and every time, he swore it’d be the last.

(It never was.)

“It’s just a lot of cases, Barbara. It’s taking a bigger toll on me than I thought it would,” Jim confessed. It wasn’t a lie. But it wasn’t the entire truth, either.

Barbara scoffed. “Cases. You used to tell me about them when we arrived here.”

“And I shouldn’t have. I’m not making that mistake again. The more you know, the more in danger you can be. It’s better to leave you in the dark. This is own for your own good, Barbara,” Jim reassured, or at least, tried to.

Jim never mentioned Ed, because he figured whatever feelings he was harboring for the forensic examiner, they would go away, right?

(They didn’t.)

* * *

Things with Barbara quickly escalated. Jim figured it was because he was barely home, because he put his job above everything else, and most importantly, because his stubbornness and moral compass were both stronger than any other principle, and Jim simply just couldn’t let a criminal slip through his fingers, no matter how dangerous they may be.

He figured this had been his ultimate undoing, because after the mess that happened with Penguin, Barbara was very much uninterested to stay in Gotham.

And Jim was uninterested in leaving Gotham, especially now.

(So he didn’t.)

* * *

 

“I’m sorry to hear Ms. Kean left town, Detective,” Ed said, although judging by the twinkle in his eyes, he seemed more than happy about the turn of events.

Jim didn’t comment on it. “It’s alright, Ed,” he replied. If he was honest, part of him was relieved that Barbara had left. Not only would she be far safer away from Gotham, but her heart would be safer away from him.

“Was she your soulmate?” Ed blurted out, and it was most decidedly the last thing Jim had expected him to say.

“No,” Jim sincerely responded, finding no use in lying about the matter. “Didn’t know you believed in that,” he added, quietly.

Ed seemed scandalized. “Of course, I do.”

“Yeah? Met yours?”

Ed gulped. “I—Well, not exactly,” he muttered, looking away.

_Not exactly?_

Jim raised a brow. “Alright…Well, I hope you find your soulmate, whoever they are. You deserve someone good.”

Ed smiled. “You mean that, Detective Gordon?”

“I do.”

(Whoever’s name Ed had on his wrist, Jim felt a pinch of jealousy towards them. He proceeded to ignore it, just like he ignored everything he felt for the forensic examiner.)

* * *

“God damn it, I’m going to kill the son of a bitch,” Harvey growled, dropping a case file on Jim’s next.

Jim knew his partner didn’t _mean_ that (or so he hoped), but he nonetheless felt a tad concerned. “Who’s the poor guy?” He asked, picking up the file and opening it.

“Edward _fucking_ Nygma,” Harvey roared, sitting on the edge of his desk. “You see that riddle, right there? That’s my lead. He’s giving me a riddle he knows I won’t be able to solve, Jim, just so I have to go ask him and he can be a smartass about it.”

In other circumstances, Jim would have told Harvey either to lay off Ed, but he had completely tuned out everything Harvey said after he had said _Edward Nygma._

“What did you just say?” Jim asked, quietly, looking up at his partner.

“That I’m going to kill him.”

Jim ignored the threat again. “You called him Edward.”

“Yeah, cause that’s his name,” Harvey pointed out.

Jim stared ahead of him with a blank expression. Ed Nygma was _Edward_ Nygma. Jim could suddenly feel his wrist burning, as though his soulmark was trying to jump at his face to make him realize something he had been blindly oblivious to.

_Could Ed be--?_

No. Jim shook his head in thought: Ed couldn’t possibly be his soulmate.

Then again, that revelation didn’t stop Jim from thinking about it. Over the next few days, he had tried to get a clue as to whose name was on Ed’s wrist, but not once did he manage to catch a glimpse. Ed hid his wrist even more than Jim ever had, if that was possible.

Jim supposed he could ask, but what would he even do with that information? If it turned out to be anything but James, what would he do? And if it did turn out to be James, _what would he do?_

One day, however, he had to face the music. He had been with Ed, looking over a case file when Ed absentmindedly rolled up his sleeves, probably because it was getting too warm inside, Jim assumed. It gave Jim a clear view of Ed’s soulmark, of the name _James_ marked against his pale skin.

Jim could no longer focus on what Ed was saying, whatever he was saying. Jim had his answer, and as predicted, he didn’t know what to do with it. He didn’t know what to think. What to feel. Yes, of course, by now he had accepted that he felt some kind of attraction for the forensic examiner (no matter how hard he had tried to deny it back when he was with Barbara and even after it was over), but that didn’t mean he was ready to act on it.

What if this would turn out to be some big mistake? There were a lot of James in this world. It was very, very common name. Edward as well.

Regardless, Jim couldn’t help himself but murmur his own name.

“James.”

“Huh?” Ed looked up at him instantly, stopping his train of thought, wherever he was at in his explanation. Jim had lost focus. Completely. Ed, however, ultimately understood what Jim was getting at, most probably because Jim had not stopped staring at his wrist. “Oh,” Ed chuckled, nervously, rolling his sleeves back down, “That’s, um—”

“My name.”

Jim couldn’t understand why he had felt compelled to say it, to point it out so obviously. Not only was he pretty sure Ed already knew (everyone called him Jim, but his legal name was still James after all), but _saying_ it like that made Jim feel like he outed himself completely.

When he was far from ready to.

Ed’s jaw dropped. _He didn’t know?_ “W-What? No, your name is—”

“James,” Jim interrupted him again, “Jim’s a nickname. Like Ed.”

“Oh,” Ed replied, another nervous chuckle leaving his lips.

“Sorry. I hope I haven’t made you uncomfortable.”

Ed shook his head frantically. “Not at all. Don’t be ridiculous, Detective Gordon. I know you won’t make fun of me for it.”

Jim was the _last_ person who would.  “I would never,” Jim said nonetheless, letting a pause fall in between them, before he carried on. “You know you can call me Jim, right? We’ve been working together for a long time, Ed.”

Ed smiled.

(He didn’t end up calling him Jim.)

* * *

 

Weeks. It had been weeks since Jim had been alone with Ed again, since that time he had caught a glimpse at his soulmark. At first, Jim blamed it on the fact that the GCPD got even busier than usual, but he knew this was far from the truth. Each time he tried to go see Ed, Ed had to leave. Each time he had a new piece of evidence, or a file to give them, he gave it to Harvey.

Something was going on, and Jim figured it was probably better to give Ed his space, whatever this was about. Quite frankly, for a detective, Jim could be extremely oblivious when it came to his own interpersonal relationships.

He did however learn through the GCPD gossip that Ed had tried numerous times to ask Ms. Kringles out, all of which she had declined. He had almost wanted to punch all those officers who kept laughing at Ed behind his back, and probably in his face, too. It made Jim sick to his stomach, furious with anger, and blood boiling with jealousy over Ms. Kringles.

He knew he had no right to be jealous: he was the one who knew about both of their soulmarks and had decided to do nothing about it.

Still, he couldn’t ignore the feeling bubbling in his chest, images of Ed with anyone (including Ms. Kringles) making him feel ill.

He figured he would have to face reality soon, but instead took on more cases to distract himself, went against the Commissioner’s orders even more than before, and eventually pushed too far. He got himself thrown out of the GCPD, even if everyone knew Jim had been doing the _right_ thing.

It was precisely why he was being thrown out, Jim figured.

“Detective Gordon.” Jim recognized that voice. Ed. He looked distraught, worried, vulnerable. Because they had barely talked as of late, Jim figured it must have been about something else than his forced departure. “I hear you’ve been thrown out in disgrace. Is this true?”

_Wished it wasn’t._

“Yeah, it is.”

“I’m going to write a letter to the boss.”

A small smile curved Jim’s lips.

Harvey scoffed. “You do that.”

It took everything in Jim not to glare at him.

“Which boss should I write to?” Ed asked, stern.

“Forget it, Ed. That’s the break, huh?” Jim paused, extending his hand for him to shake. “You take care.”

Jim didn’t know when exactly he’d be able to return to the GCPD, or if he could at all, but he figured that even if it didn’t, everyone in the precinct that mattered would manage. Harvey would find a partner he’d most likely get more along with. Captain Essen wouldn’t have to get exasperated with him all the time when he didn’t follow orders. Ed would…continue finding forensic evidence fascinating and try to be with Kristen, or whomever he’d want next.

None of them may even be Ed’s soulmates, but Jim was sure they’d be a better fit than _he_ would be _._

But then, Ed hugged him, and Jim _felt_ it. He had been in enough people’s arms to know the difference between theirs and _his._ It was nothing like anything he had experienced. It was powerful. Warm. Right. A quick hug lasting barely a couple of seconds never had managed to make his heart skip a beat or make it race, and yet, Ed had managed to do both before he quickly took off and left without a word.

And when Ed had left, Jim felt unbelievably _empty._

“Maybe you should take him with you,” Harvey suggested.

And quite frankly, Jim wished he could. “You’d miss him if he was gone.”

“No, I wouldn’t.”

_I would,_ Jim thought. _I will,_ he rectified, heart sinking as he recalled how he had felt during that hug.

He did his best to ignore the emptiness weighing on his chest as he grabbed his things and brought them to his car, packing his things and having one last look at the GCPD. He had been about to leave when he heard a couple of officers laugh closer to the building, the noise giving Jim an incredibly bad feeling.

When he turned around, he noticed Ed was cornered, pinned against a wall in the back of the building, holding onto something that seemed familiar enough to Jim to make him realize it had to be his and Ed was bringing it to him. One of the officers had Ed firmly in place, and the manner in which Ed’s hair had been disheveled suggested that he had dragged Ed out that way.

It made Jim sick.

“Nygma, Nygma, Nygma. You never take a hint, do you? Asking Kristen for a date in one of your silly riddles again? You know what she calls you, freak?”

All of them laughed.

Jim didn’t. He slammed his trunk shut, loud enough to get their attention before he began walking towards them. “Hey. Leave him alone. How about you get back inside and do your job?”

They stopped laughing. The officer let go of Ed, turning towards Jim. “Didn’t listen to you when you worked here. What makes you think we will listen to you now, huh?”

A valid point, maybe. But, considering Jim wasn’t working there anymore, and he had been demoted to the worst possible job he could have…

It meant he felt no guilt giving the officer a well-deserved punch. Yeah, sure, he could get in trouble, but he didn’t care. The fact that they had dared touch one strand of hair on Ed’s hair would have been enough to trigger such a response from him today, but this—this was too much. Jim was sick of it. Ed had hidden from him rather well all of the bullying, but now that Jim had caught them red-handed…

He was going to do something about it, if only for today.

Even by himself, Jim could easily take on the three police officers. It was clear that all of them had slacked off in the past few years, while Jim hadn’t. Perks of always working, he supposed. Plus, going to the army surely had something to do with Jim’s durability.

“Come on, Nygma’s not worth this,” one of the officers spat, prompting the others to follow behind him, slamming the backdoor behind them.

Jim sighed. He didn’t know what bothered him more: the fact that this had happened under his nose all along and he never truly noticed, or the fact that it would happen again and he wouldn’t be there to stop it?

“Are you alright, Detective?” Ed asked, worried.

Jim was sure he looked disheveled now, but he was alright. He could take a few punches. He thus nodded, catching his breath. “I’m okay. Are you?”

Ed didn’t answer the question. “I came here to give you this. You left it on your desk. A letter opener. It doesn’t look like the ones the GCPD provides. It must be yours.”

“Belonged to my dad,” Jim explained, taking a look at it before putting it in his jacket’s pocket. “Thanks, Ed.”

There was a silence. Jim knew that if he didn’t say something, anything, then it was it. He’d turn around and get in his car, and leave the GCPD to head to Arkham.

Ed pushed his glasses up his nose, and looked away before he spoke up. “Perhaps they’re right,” he muttered, “I shouldn’t ask Ms. Kringles for a date so much,” he paused, “She will never want to be with me.”

“Maybe you’re just not asking the right person,” Jim responded.

Ed looked back at him. “Who else would I ask?” He inquired, voice low. There was a hint of misery in his tone, and Jim figured it was because there weren’t enough good people to ask at the GCPD.

Jim knew he should say something along the lines of _‘someone outside the GCPD’_ , and not at all imply he should ask _him_ , but he couldn’t help himself. The closeness between them now made him question why he had been so hell-bent on keeping a safe distance from Ed, and not question why the man had been purposely avoiding him.

Even being this close, yet not touching, was intoxicating.

Jim did lean in, however, and very gently lifted Ed’s sleeve, enough to reveal the soulmark on his wrist. Heart raced at seeing his name yet again, this time Jim knowing he had to do something about it. He very gently brushed his thumb over the mark, and took a deep breath.

“Him.”

Ed didn’t answer. And when Jim let go of his wrist and looked up at the other man, he was staring at him with so much _confusion_ , yet so much _hope._ It was then that it hit Jim. Ed had avoided him because after seeing his name on Ed’s wrist, Jim had said nothing, and more importantly, done nothing about it. The logical conclusion was that Jim was either not interested, or he had a different name on his wrist and wouldn’t pursue this for that reason.

Had Ed been trying to move on? Was this why he was asking Ms. Kringles, over and over, if she would give him a chance?

Had Jim been this blind?

He sighed in frustration at himself, before he decided to no longer further ignore this. Ignore this feeling. Ignore this want, this need that scared him all too much, more than he could let on.

Jim freed his wrist, the name _Edward_ clear as day on his wrist. He lifted it up for Ed, and held his breath.

Ed’s jaw dropped, eyes widening as he stared at the soulmark. “You—”

“Should have told you sooner,” Jim paused, “I know.”

Ed pushed his glasses up his nose again, staring at the soulmark still, as though he was afraid it would vanish if it blinked. “Of no use to one, yet absolute bliss to two. The small boy gets it for nothing. The young man has to lie or work for it. The old man has to buy it. The baby’s right, the lover’s privilege, the hypocrite’s mask,” Ed blurted out, “What am I?”

Jim smiled. Only Ed would give him a riddle about a _kiss_ as a way to tell him he was going to kiss him. Or perhaps it was his way to ask for one, to ask if it was alright. Either way, Jim figured it was time to finally taste the lips he had denied himself for so long.

He took a hold of Ed’s chin, his free hand resting on his waist as he leaned in and captured Ed’s lips with his own.

Intoxicating. It felt like Jim had finally discovered oxygen. Had finally seen _colors._ He could no longer understand why people stopped searching for their soulmates, or why they’d stop believing in it. Because this? This, was entirely something else. Jim felt invincible with only a touch, only a kiss.

He pulled away only reluctantly, when a random officer got outside and walked past them, giving them odd looks. After exchanging a glance with Ed, Jim leaned his forehead against his, and sighed.

“Promise me something.”

“Anything.”

“If anyone gives you trouble, you’ll call me,” Jim demanded.

“I promise,” Ed replied, quietly. “Jim?”

Jim smiled. _This is the first time he calls me Jim._ “Hm?”

“Will you come over? Tonight? For dinner?” Ed asked, nervously.

“Are you asking me out on a date?” Jim teased, only slightly.

“Yes,” Ed replied, very seriously, “You said earlier I should—"

Jim shut him up with a soft, gentle kiss, long enough to make Ed’s cheeks redden when he pulled away. “I’ll be there.”

Ed fetched keys in his pockets, and then handed them over after telling him his address. “I am almost done here today. You can wait for me there,” Ed paused, “Is this alright?”

Jim held the keys in his hand. It wasn’t that he didn’t want them. He simply worried Ed was moving into this too fast, and would regret it. Jim had done that mistake before, when he had believed the other Edward was his soulmate. He didn’t Ed to make it. “Are you sure about this?”

“Of course,” Ed replied, “You’re Jim. You’re my soulmate. My home is your home.”

“How about I stay in my car and wait for you to be done and we can go together?”

Ed grinned. “You would do that?”

Jim nodded. “Take your time.”

“It won’t be long,” Ed stated before he headed back inside and Jim stared at the door with that same feeling he had earlier when Ed left.

But this time, he didn’t feel empty, because he knew that Ed would come back to him.

And he did, approximately five seconds later, which couldn’t possibly be how fast Ed had been to finish analyzing a piece of evidence.

“Already?” Jim questioned, brow raised.

“I forgot something,” Ed admitted, leaning down to quickly steal a kiss from Jim. When he pulled away, he had a bright smile on his lips, and eyes shining with eagerness. “See you later, Jim,” he said before getting back inside the GCPD, this time to truly finish his work.

Jim smiled, and felt at peace. As though suddenly, all was right in the world. And if it wasn’t, it would be.

Because Ed Nygma was his soulmate.

(And he would never question it again.)


End file.
